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How do I keep from getting depressed and scared when I am daily reminded of how incredibly much I need to leave my living situation, for the good of my mental health?  And when I am daily reminded of how I am completely financially incapable of moving out, and will continue to be for the next couple years?  Next semester my tuition doubles.

Also, today of all days, I begin taking medication for my physical health, for longer than the short term but shorter than the long term (hopefully), and it is going to be very inconvenient to take, and I am so scared, and of course this is my fault, I got myself into the situation that caused this because of my mental health, my condition ruined literally everything.  My financial situation.  My GPA.  Blew through money I had saved up.  Fucked with my physical health.  (Unfairly) ruined the relationship I have with certain adults in my life, who probably will never trust me or take me seriously (though that’s on them).  Took away 27 years of building an identity and friendships.

It doesn’t matter how happy I feel any day about anything, how accomplished I feel, how, even, just plain neutral I feel.  Every day I will be in this living situation.  Every day I will be reminded that everyone is moving on now and I am trapped.  Even though I have a place to go.  A safe place, a loving place.  I’m still trapped here for the time being.  Here, where I have to fight every day to maintain my identity and sanity and end my self doubt and stop apologizing for my existence.  And I watch you all move on.  No one ever told me as a kid that this particular kind of thing can happen.  I never knew your mind could just eat you alive.  Devour you whole.

I am a fine person.  Just a person doing what they feel they need to do in life, like everyone else.  There’s no reason why I should feel this bad every day coming from an external source.  There is literally nothing I can do about it.  I feel numb, or worse.