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all these layouts are ugly
Aug. 26th, 2017 03:48 pmI wonder if I ought to make posts here. I seem to have adapted well to making long personal posts on tumblr but it was nice to keep a journal. I guess it'll depend...
x posted from tumblr
Aug. 24th, 2015 01:01 pmHow do I keep from getting depressed and scared when I am daily reminded of how incredibly much I need to leave my living situation, for the good of my mental health? And when I am daily reminded of how I am completely financially incapable of moving out, and will continue to be for the next couple years? Next semester my tuition doubles.
Also, today of all days, I begin taking medication for my physical health, for longer than the short term but shorter than the long term (hopefully), and it is going to be very inconvenient to take, and I am so scared, and of course this is my fault, I got myself into the situation that caused this because of my mental health, my condition ruined literally everything. My financial situation. My GPA. Blew through money I had saved up. Fucked with my physical health. (Unfairly) ruined the relationship I have with certain adults in my life, who probably will never trust me or take me seriously (though that’s on them). Took away 27 years of building an identity and friendships.
It doesn’t matter how happy I feel any day about anything, how accomplished I feel, how, even, just plain neutral I feel. Every day I will be in this living situation. Every day I will be reminded that everyone is moving on now and I am trapped. Even though I have a place to go. A safe place, a loving place. I’m still trapped here for the time being. Here, where I have to fight every day to maintain my identity and sanity and end my self doubt and stop apologizing for my existence. And I watch you all move on. No one ever told me as a kid that this particular kind of thing can happen. I never knew your mind could just eat you alive. Devour you whole.
I am a fine person. Just a person doing what they feel they need to do in life, like everyone else. There’s no reason why I should feel this bad every day coming from an external source. There is literally nothing I can do about it. I feel numb, or worse.
time to sort my shit?
Nov. 17th, 2014 08:04 pmNow I turn 27 in a week and I feel like I'm in a constant spiral of regression. I have an impressive bachelor's degree, an A- GPA in grad school, am well-loved at my job and have really well-cultivated taste in music. But what good is all of this when I can't sort my goddamn shit? I'm a mess. I want stability. I want domesticity. But my emotions are all fucked up and I don't feel like I even know how I want to feel about anything. Maybe I just need some good quality free time and lots more sleep.
Es gefallt mir nicht
Nov. 17th, 2014 12:50 amEs gefallt mir
Nov. 17th, 2014 12:43 amI'm talking to quiet and to calm, now. Everyone's tired of writing; they've moved on to flashier and shorter modes of communication. Tumblr's made me used to weird fragmented writing and I do like that style. It works for some things. But I feel like there's some stuff I need to figure out how to articulate and I might as well do that here? Idk.
"Let me tell you something. A man ain't a goddamn ax. Chopping, hacking, busting every goddamn minute of the day. Things get to him. Things he can't chop down because they're inside."
a man ain't a goddamn ax
(no subject)
Jul. 26th, 2013 12:49 amwith all this struggle & sorrow under my skin?
what is the purpose of this quarter-century's torture?
am i a joke to you? a joke with too
many punchlines?
you think i have a choice? let me tell you
i've chosen, oh, i've chosen.
(no subject)
Jul. 11th, 2013 02:41 am(no subject)
Jun. 25th, 2013 08:13 am1. the 3 Lannister siblings are portrayed very differently in the tv show than they are in the books and I haven't watched the show yet and most ppl have only watched the show. (This could be part of it because I sincerely DO NOT understand how you could 100% hate book!Cersei. I feel sad for her ;.;)
2. I have higher powers of reading between the lines etc than most people do so I can see complexity etc where other people just see "evil"
3. I love these characters so hard and I am extremely good at justifying
4. I'm actually reading a different book series with the same character names
(no subject)
Nov. 16th, 2012 05:30 pmEt qu'un tiède frisson court sur les champs de blé,
Un conseil d'être heureux semble sortir des choses
Et monter vers le coeur troublé.
Un conseil de goûter le charme d'être au monde
Cependant qu'on est jeune et que le soir est beau,
Car nous nous en allons, comme s'en va cette onde:
Elle à la mer, nous au tombeau.
-Paul Bourget
