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delusional...
Feb. 20th, 2004 11:18 am"I believed I could cure it all for you dear...make it right for you, Sleeping Beauty..."
i write this WISHING this could happen.
wishing i could make it right for you, you who i almost love.
almost love.
people who have crushes on people in movies
complain so bitterly
about how they will never in real life have a relationship with them
and this is very sad.
i feel this pain sometimes.
but there is something worse then NEVER seeing, NEVER touching, NEVER having your existence acknowledged.
yes.
this is the realization that you COULD have had something, perhaps it would have been a stretch, and slightly unrealistic, but you COULD have had it, you COULD have had it...but you fucked something up somewhere down the line
and because you did that
you might as well try to get a cow to make gatorade.
"...And hiding from some poisoned memory..."
using this already metaphorical song
i will continue the metaphor.
you are hiding from a poisoned memory
and i am dealing with the very same poisoned memory.
it might be hard to understand
but it was never because i hated you, never.
it was never because i wanted to scare you.
it was because i had these feelings and thoughts (still do) ("...It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...")
and i didn't know how to let them out positively.
because of the way this world works,
the only way to do that,
would be illegal.
so i had to let them out in the only way i know how
which is in a way that is...odd.
and i feel so very bad because it's not in your best interest to do that.
only in my best interest.
and i don't want you to have to experience these kinds of things
but i like to. and this confuses me so very much because I WANT THE BEST FOR BOTH YOU AND ME AT ONCE, AND THAT'S PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!
and even though i almost love you, i know myself the best and i have to live in my body for my entire life, so i have to be happy with myself and my mental state and my decisions BEFORE i move on to yours, no matter how sad this sometimes makes me.
I ALMOST LOVE YOU, and this feels so ridiculous sometimes. i should be focusing on other things. but i can't help it. you are one of the things that's important to me. i've made the choice, and now i'm dealing with it.
what if you read this and know it's about you?
it shouldn't have to come to that
but it might.
but it might.
i write this WISHING this could happen.
wishing i could make it right for you, you who i almost love.
almost love.
people who have crushes on people in movies
complain so bitterly
about how they will never in real life have a relationship with them
and this is very sad.
i feel this pain sometimes.
but there is something worse then NEVER seeing, NEVER touching, NEVER having your existence acknowledged.
yes.
this is the realization that you COULD have had something, perhaps it would have been a stretch, and slightly unrealistic, but you COULD have had it, you COULD have had it...but you fucked something up somewhere down the line
and because you did that
you might as well try to get a cow to make gatorade.
"...And hiding from some poisoned memory..."
using this already metaphorical song
i will continue the metaphor.
you are hiding from a poisoned memory
and i am dealing with the very same poisoned memory.
it might be hard to understand
but it was never because i hated you, never.
it was never because i wanted to scare you.
it was because i had these feelings and thoughts (still do) ("...It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside...")
and i didn't know how to let them out positively.
because of the way this world works,
the only way to do that,
would be illegal.
so i had to let them out in the only way i know how
which is in a way that is...odd.
and i feel so very bad because it's not in your best interest to do that.
only in my best interest.
and i don't want you to have to experience these kinds of things
but i like to. and this confuses me so very much because I WANT THE BEST FOR BOTH YOU AND ME AT ONCE, AND THAT'S PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!
and even though i almost love you, i know myself the best and i have to live in my body for my entire life, so i have to be happy with myself and my mental state and my decisions BEFORE i move on to yours, no matter how sad this sometimes makes me.
I ALMOST LOVE YOU, and this feels so ridiculous sometimes. i should be focusing on other things. but i can't help it. you are one of the things that's important to me. i've made the choice, and now i'm dealing with it.
what if you read this and know it's about you?
it shouldn't have to come to that
but it might.
but it might.
